Single Momma Struggles

I had to make one of the toughest, but bravest decisions I will ever make in my life on April 5th, 2013. I consciously chose to keep my pregnancy knowing full well that I'd be doing it alone. I had no idea what motherhood entailed. I didn't know about baby eczema or sleep regressions. All I knew is that I'd be doing it alone. Every feeding. Every cry. Every restless night. I don't even know how I'm still functioning and friends have also made comments... "I couldn't imagine being a single momma", "I don't know how you do it".

Honestly, I don't know either. Sure, I may not know any differently, but I do fantasise over it. This is not the ideal life and I do wish that I could have my exact son five or even seven years from now. In my picture perfect world. However, this is the path that I'm meant to go down and I'm conquering it one day at a time... one very long, slow day at a time.

My strength was tested today. We had a terrible night of comfort nursing and tears coupled with waking up sick. Yes, sick. I have a sore throat, a wicked headache, hot/cold flashes, and a 6 month old son that just wants to chat away and play with me. I have no idea how other single mommas handle this... but today I had to wave the white flag. A friend of mine sent me a text in the morning asking when she could come grab Tyrus for the day. I hesitated at first, not knowing if he was getting sick, too. In the end, I thawed out 15 ounces of milk and packed his things. It was bitter-sweet. Part of me felt like I had given up... but the better part of me knew that I couldn't take care of him today in my state. I was able to go back to bed and get some much needed rest. I'm still not feeling 100%, but I'm getting there.

In the end, today has helped me to realize that it's okay to call for help when I need it. I can't always be strong and I can't always be at my best. Maybe one day I'll be able to handle mommahood and sickness, but that doesn't have to be today, tomorrow, or even next Tuesday. I have 17 years and 6 months left... minimum. I'll be able to handle it one day, but for now I'll keep trying and that's all that matters.

To all of you single mommas out there, remember to breath. Remember to take time for yourself. But most importantly, remember to ask for help if you need it... or even if you just want to get away for a few hours. We can't always be rock stars. We are allowed to have our weak moments.