"...you're pregnant"

My life changed drastically one year ago. I had a routine visit to the doctors office to get some medical forms signed, but I had a feeling that I should also take a pregnancy test. I almost didn't ask, my doctor was about to walk out of the room, but then I blurted out "can I take a pregnancy test?" She gave me this look only a momma would give and asked quietly "is there a change you're pregnant?" I just nodded and she walked out of the room for a few seconds. She returned with a little plastic cup and directed me to the washroom.

I sat in the room, impatiently waiting for her to return. I envisioned her coming back in and saying "it's negative..." over and over again, hoping it would change the inevitable result. My doctor finally returned and told me the words I already knew "it's positive... you're pregnant."

Tears ensued. Tears of fear. Tears of anger. Tears filled with anxiety. I couldn't have this baby, not with the baby daddy, and not yet in life. I wasn't ready. He would leave. I can't do this. I can't be a single mom. We talked about my options and then she sent me on my way, asking for my return in one week with a decision.

On my way to meet up with my mom I found a shiny loonie on the ground, so I picked it up. Was this a sign? It was possible, but I had already made up my mind that I wasn't keeping this pregnancy. I even told my mom that I wanted to go for an abortion... but then I had a conversation with a friend of mine that was 7 months pregnant. She knew everything about me because she also did my nails, so I bitched a lot to her about all of the crap going on in my life. We talked for several hours about everything and at the end of the conversation, I turned to my mom, with tears in my eyes, and whispered "I think I want to keep it..."

12 weeks 1 day

12 weeks 5 days

                               

Oh, and that shiny loonie? It's still in my wallet, with me where ever I go.